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They got more laughs and generated more student excitement than the usual pallid classroom dramas. If you or your
organization is interested in a test production of THE TROJAN WAR, RISE AND FALL of the ROMAN EMPIRE, The
STORY of GILGAMESH or LIFE of the BUDDHA, contact me or Brooklyn Publishing for information!
All rights reserved
From ANTONY and CLEOPATRA;
Act One of HAMLET WITH EXTRA CHEESE
ANTONY: Well, here I am, master of the Roman world.
CLEOPATRA: (enters, running into ANTONY’S arms) And here you are,
Master of the Roman World.
ANTONY: Peel me another grape, would you, dear?
CLEOPATRA: Of course, my angel.
OCTAVIAN: (enters) Aren’t you forgetting someone?
CLEOPATRA: Who? Who did we forget? (looks around) Did we forget
about anyone?
OCTAVIAN: You forgot about me, Octavian, nephew to Julius Caesar, later
to be known as Caesar Augustus!
ANTONY: Oh, that pencil-necked geek.
OCTAVIAN: I’m the pencil necked geek who’s been taking care of
business, while you’ve been spending your time playing footsie with Miss
Congeniality, here. Remember all those staff meetings that you couldn’t be
bothered to attend? Remember those homework assignments you never
bothered to hand in? Remember, Mister “I’m too cool to stay in school?”
ANTONY: (yawns, takes another drink of wine) Yeah, so?
OCTAVIAN: Well, now the chickens have come home to roost. While you’
ve been hanging out with this Egyptian cupcake, I’ve been doing all the
hard work of keeping the Roman Empire running. And I’ve decided to
make some changes in top management.
ANTONY: (still lounging) Whatever…
CLEOPATRA: Talk to the hand, ‘cause the goddess ain’t listening.
OCTAVIAN: By the way, Marc Antony, did you remember to tell Cleopatra
that you’re still married to my sister?
(ANTONY does a spit take.)
CLEOPATRA: What? You’re married?
ANTONY: Cleo, let me explain…
CLEOPATRA: Explain this, you rat! I’m taking my navy and going home.
(exits)
OCTAVIAN: Surrender, Antony! Your pharonic floozy has ratted you out!
Give up now and I’ll go easy on you before I feed you to the lions.
ANTONY: Oh this false soul of Egypt! Well, Cleopatra may have run out on
me, but I can still whip you, Octavian! I still have my army behind me -
ready, boys?
(ROMAN MOB, carrying swords and spears, have tiptoed away from
ANTONY and gather behind OCTAVIAN.)
ROMAN MOB: Right behind you, chief!
OCTAVIAN: You’re yesterday’s news, Marc Antony. You have kissed away
kingdoms and provinces. The Roman lions are too good for you - I think
the Egyptians might enjoy feeding you to the sacred crocodile.
ANTONY: Betrayed by a pretty face! Scribe!
(SCRIBE enters and crosses back and forth for the following exchange
between ANTONY and CLEOPATRA.)
ANTONY: Take a message to Cleopatra: Dear Cleo: Roses are red, the
Nile is blue; Please come back to me, or I’m crocodile poo.
CLEOPATRA: (reads the message, addresses SCRIBE) Tell him I dropped
dead, and I hope he does too. Tell him my dying words were “Antony,
most noble Antony.” And then come back and tell me how he takes the
news.
ANTONY: (reads her answer) Cleopatra dead? All is lost! (takes out his
sword and stabs himself)
CLEOPATRA: Well, how did he take it?
SCRIBE: (beat) Not well.
ANTONY: What, still not dead? I can’t do anything right!
CLEOPATRA: (goes to him) Oh, sweetie, you know you’re always your
own worst critic.
ANTONY: I lived like the prince of the world, and now - (dies)
OCTAVIAN: All right, Cleopatra, we know you’re in there - come out with
your hands up! You’re coming with me back to Rome, where you have a
starring role in my victory parade.
CLEOPATRA: Moi, Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile, in a supporting role? I’d
rather die first! (to IRIS and CHARMAIN) Fetch me the you-know-what. Give
me my robe. Give me my crown. I have immortal longings in me.
CHARMAIN: Your majesty, here is the royal snake handler with the royal
you-know-what.
CROCODILE HUNTER: (with thick Australian accent, carrying a basket
and rubber snake) Crikey! This ‘ere’s the deadly Egyptian asp! Isn’t ‘e
beautiful? This little buggah’s so venomous, you don’t even have to be in
the same room with ‘im. ‘E could just bite your footprints while you were
out of town for the weekend, and you’d be stone dead by Labor Day!
IRIS: I forgot to warn you that the royal snake handler IS a royal pain in the
you-know-what.
CROCODILE HUNTER: ‘Oo! Didja see how he’s wrigglin’? What I’m doing
right now is REALLY irritating him, and the fascinating thing about the
Egyptian asp is that he only bites when someone REALLY gets on his
nerves…like this! And shouts in a loud voice… like this! Let’s see what
happens if I poke at him, like this—oh, buggah! (drops dead)
CLEOPATRA: (holds the poisonous snake aloft) Come, Kevorkian! With
thy sharp teeth, this knot of life untie. Poor venomous fool - be angry, and
dispatch me with thy kiss! (lies back and waits; nothing happens) I think
the snake’s busted.
CHARMAIN: Maybe you aren’t annoying enough.
IRIS: Don’t disrespect our queen! Your majesty is EXTREMELY annoying.
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